glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
