I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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