Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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