You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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