Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
