her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
