I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
