Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize