And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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