I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
