Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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