If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
bring money and cleavage
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
