I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
