WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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