So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
