So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
