There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
