he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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