Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
