it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
there is glitter all over my balls
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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