Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
