Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
