I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
