How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
