Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
