there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
