My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
