Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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