Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
