he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
