1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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