4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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