So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
