the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
