Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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