im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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