You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize