Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
