I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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