Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
