Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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