I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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