When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Randomize
