Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
