It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
