i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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