from now on my penis is your penis
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
