Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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