Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
