Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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