Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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