Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
