Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You made out with two different species that night
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
