I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
