I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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