Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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