Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
